You know you’re a Mum when…

Written by Rebecca

Stay for the nugget of photographic gold at the end of this post……Ok, so it’s pretty obvious you know if you’re a mum, but humor me a little, as I try to humor you.  Here’s a collection of witty remarks I’ve thought of silently, after becoming someone’s mother and said to myself  “I wouldn’t have imagined 5 years ago I’d be doing this… etc..”

When Mr. Price and I hit the 1 year mark (a Millenia ago, it seems like), of our first 365 days (as best as we could remember) I decided to go opposite George and get Paul a dozen roses (for each of the months we had been together).  I attached to each rose a different colored heart each with a message “You know you’ve had a girlfriend for a year when…” and a witty, quippy familiarity we could have an inside-type-joke giggle over.  One of those was “You know you’ve had a girlfriend for a year when you now recognize that regular, super and super max are not just types of gasoline…”  Funny.

Ok, now I’ve teed you up for a few statements of harsh reality in honor of this upcoming Mother’s Day and the sacrifices we all knowingly gladly, but sometimes begrudgingly make to be someone’s mum.

You know you’re a mum when…
There’s poop.  Poop on your hand, poop under your thumbnail, poop on your shirt and especially when the glorious number 2 is celebrated like someone’s just won like a number 1.  I subconsciously handed over my “standards” card with this topic on two separate occasions.  First, when I hadn’t slept much and I had a newborn and there was so much fatness, crying, soreness, boobness, babyness…… poopness was the least of my worries.  Second, when I started writing in my day planner the times and occasions of poop, not for me, but for my kid.  (He’s going to love reading this when he’s a teenager) but one time Joseph was so “full of SH*T” literally an X Ray showed it, we had to watch the poop.  Poop.  It’s a big part of being a mum.

You know you’re a mum when….
The store coupon plus manufacturer coupon plus, the on sale item at the store (Store  = Target)  gives you the same rush of excitement and satisfaction as the $30 off $70 or more purchase at Express.

You know you’re a mum when…
Your visa bill has more Gymboree visits than Gap visits (unless you’re talking Baby Gap).

You know you’re a mum when…
You keep shirts with visible stains on them, and still wear them, to work and in public.  It’s just not a big deal any more.  It could be poop, too.  I mean, it’s probably not, but you shouldn’t lick it just in case….unless it really looks like chocolate.  Mini egg chocolate.

You know you’re a mum when…
Your paper cut is bandaged with a Spiderman bandaid, it’s the only box of bandaids you have in your house.  Well, Spiderman and Toy Story.  And Spiderman was clearly the cooler option.

You know you’re a mum when…
The chances of anything, really ever, grossing you out anymore, is zilch.  Poop, vomit, spit up, Gerber pureed peas and carrots, it’s all been on you, around you, stepped in, or under your fingernail at some point.  Unless it’s a stranger’s fungus infected toenail with hideous toe jam, I’m pretty sure you can keep it down and finish your meal.  Ok, so maybe conversations at the dinner table are a little more “liberal” than they used to be, doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same way.  They’re also probably not mums and haven’t yet learned to suck it up.  You’re also probably not at a tea party with Her Majesty, so get over it, and with talk like this, you’re never going to make the guest list anyway.

You know you’re a mum when…
You’ve clocked more hours awake then asleep, by at least 70% in any given week.

You know you’re a mum when…
There’s no such thing as a long hot shower.  Alone.

You know you’re a mum when…
Make up, hair brushed, shaved legs and grey roots are all part of the “optional” category when getting dressed daily.

You know you’re a mum when…
The crappiest piece of folded and painted pottery, most ridiculous scribble on paper, sticker-laden atrocity of three year-old art is the best present ever, and to you, it’s worth a million bucks.

You know you’re a mum when…
Bath bubble selections aren’t from Bath and Body works, they’re from Walmart and it’s either Spongebob or Batman bubbles.  And they all smell like cotton candy or bubble gum.  Sexy.

You know you’re a mum when…
You can make up a song to anything to either help amuse, or calm your child.  It’s no Mariah Carey, but unless it’s permanently damaging your child, singing is on your Rolodex of things to do to get your child back to his/her “Happy Place”.  So is dancing like a moron, making kid type humor jokes “…and daddy fell over and he had POOP on his face!!..” and bribery/threats.

You know you’re a mum when…
You’re totally way too excited about the adorable shoes you’re going to purchase that will most likely fit your child for under 2 months at a price you’d pay for an upscale pair of dress shoes that are a staple for your wardrobe and you’ll get at least 100 miles out of.  Also insert here:  When you make ridiculous purchases for your child based on cuteness and not practicality.  It comes with the job description of being a mum.  Sorry, hon.

You know you’re a mum when…
The spontaneous snuggling on a Saturday morning is suddenly the coolest thing in the world and whatever you thought you just had to do doesn’t matter and could wait a million more years to do if it meant you could continue the spontaneous snuggling right now, for a million years.

You know you’re a mum when…
Your Facebook profile pic is of you and your kid, or just your kid (s), any other way in the foreseeable future is not negotiable.

The proof is in the pudding, here's my profile pic.

You know you’re a mum when…
You feel guilty.  All the time.  For not doing something, saying something or spending more time with your kid.  And it never stops.  It’s also a double whammy, if you’re Catholic.  **Sigh**

You know you’re a mum when…
You know where kids eat free, or for 99 cents, and on what night.

You know you’re a mum when…
You completely lapsed on your renewal of Glamor magazine, but you’re pretty sure you’ve just signed yourself up to the seventh year of Parent’s magazine for a fantastic price.

You know you’re a mum when…
Your collection of concert ticket stubs lists a wide variety of shows like, Sesame Street LIVE!, Ringling Bros.  Barnum and Bailey, Yo Gabba Gabba LIVE!, Disney on Ice……  And you’ve still got that rotten “collectible cup” that cost you 12 bones that had crushed ice and red syrup in it that YOU ended up drinking because your kid was already high on the ten pounds of cotton candy.

You know you’re a mum when…
Cherished alone time is a “bathroom break” = quality time with the porcelain God, not cleaning it, but completing your other “duty” (pun intended) 10 minutes ago, but staying around to finish your hidden copy of OK Magazine while you get to silently judge Reese Witherspoon and her gigantic chin.  Listen, she’s flawless everywhere else, and I’ve got to pick on something if I’m going to spend at least 10 minutes on a toilet making myself feel better….

You know you’re a mum when…
Feet and the attached toes are no longer gross, but completely cute.  But only on your kid, and SOOOOO kissable.

You know you’re a mum when…
Going on a drive to nowhere in particular, alone, for at least 20 minutes can be a life saver.  Actually multiple lives saver…..

You know you’re a mum when…
You’ve seriously discussed with your significant other who will be the one to take the fall and go to the “big house” if someone threatens or thinks about hurting your kid.  And you’ve colorfully discussed how protecting your kid(s) will involve some significant level of torture and inhumane vengeance based on your level of rage.

AND FINALLY:  You know you’re a mum when…
You think of your mum and realize she went through all this same shit, years ago with you (and probably continues to do so, at least on most levels to this day), and your kid won’t realize that great effort until they’re a mum (or parent) either.  But it’s OK.  It’s not about the thanks, it’s about the smiles.  Have a Happy Mother’s Day.

Word to your Mother.

sarah - June 1, 2011 - 8:26 pm

I love the photo!!!!!! That so should be framed!

Kate F. - May 8, 2011 - 9:22 pm

This was a wonderfully funny and true post! Loved it! My two favorites are: You know you’re a mum when… There’s poop (SO TRUE!!!) And of course: You know you’re a mum when… Cherished alone time is a “bathroom break.” (Rarely do I get an uninterrupted bathroom break though!) Thanks for the fun read.

Rebecca - May 4, 2011 - 5:22 pm

Thanks guys, it was totally fun to write. There’s a million more and they’re all true!!

Andrea - May 4, 2011 - 1:14 pm

Ditto!!! I think this might be my favorite post that you’ve written, yet! :) LOVED IT!!!!!

Shauna - May 4, 2011 - 9:26 am

Oh this is PRICELESS!!! You hit the nail on the head! Thanks for the laugh.

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