Sh*t my Dad says.

Written by Rebecca.


Father’s Day is Sunday, in honor of Dad’s everywhere, whatever your experience was/is, it could always be worse.  Or it could be this hilarious.  Read on.

Warning:  This post comes with some language you might not want your grandmother to see, unless she rides a Harley.

You’ve been warned.

Now enjoy.

I came across this book/twitter account almost a year ago and that Christmas, everyone who I usually don’t know what to get for Christmas and everyone who I usually do, got a copy of this book.

Everyone I knew, I shoved my copy under their nose and emailed them a direct connection to the Sh*t my dad says twitter account.

I’ve laughed hard at movies, but I don’t think I laugh so uncontrollably or cry out of pure hilarity as I do when it comes to a funny book.  Two sentences into this book and laughed so hard I peed a little.  (And at this time, I wasn’t yet pregnant).

Hollywood came knocking and turned Sh*t my Dad says into a sitcom on CBS this past fall, that crashed and burned.  William Shatner was dry, at best, in this role, and just didn’t do Justin’s dad, justice.  I DO think that the KIND of comedy in Shit my dad says COULD be transposed into a successful TV show, but not as a direct replica.  Don’t judge this book by the TV show.

It’s easy to see why I love Sh*t my Dad says so much.
1) He has a foul mouth.  I have a foul mouth.
This has absolutely nothing to do with how I was raised, I didn’t even say the “SH*T” word until I was late in my teens and I would never have even thought of saying “F*CK” unless I was drunk, and as it turned out, when I dropped that bomb I WAS and two seconds later, the look on my mother’s face sobered me up quicker than a police officer and flashing lights.  Needless to say, I swear like a sailor, cuss like NYPD cop and use my jean flare language, broadly, despite my Swedish finishing school upbringing, it’s just something I embraced and can’t shake.  Nor, do I care to shake.  I refer to this quality of mine as “endearing” Mr. Price calls it “un-educated”.

2) Blunt.  Honesty.
I really wonder why a lot of people worry too much about hurting someone’s feelings or saying the wrong thing or being PC.  Now, there’s a difference between being a rude idiot and being blunt and honest.  If you don’t know the subtle difference, you’re probably a rude idiot.  Being PC, to me, wastes a lot of time, you don’t have real conversations about how any one of you really feel and you end up leading a lot of meaningless relationships, instead of deciding who you like and who you don’t, as soon as possible.  This is classic office protocol.  These have to be some of the least honest relationships you ever have in your life because you need to keep the peace or get your way at work.  What a waste of time.  I believe in brutal “truth”, to a fault.  I try to be as honest as I can, wherever I can, and I can’t think of a time I cover it up, except at work, because it’s kind of an unwritten rule not to tell your boss you think she/he’s a blithering idiot to his/her face, wouldn’t you agree??

3) Raising a kid realistically.
Justin’s dad did nothing to hide realities of the world (in the book), relationships or how they present themselves.  See the part on mortality in the book, not necessarily his view, but his honesty… I really appreciate this.  I’m/we are raising Joseph the same way.  Although my son is only 4, I have never treated him like a baby.   I’ve spoken to him like he was an adult and I’ve always expected a certain level of behavior.  I UNDERSTAND he is four, but that doesn’t let me let him get away with being a little snot.  He can learn this while he’s living with me and Mr. Price, or he can learn it later when it will be more devastating.  I’ve just chosen the sooner option, no one is going to pay any kid a six figure salary to be an idiot and act like self deserving brat.

Courtesy Justin Halpern, property

What you need to know:  Justin’s dad is actually some kind of smart (I hope there aren’t dumb scientists out there.. but you never know..) scientist in the oncology field.  So, just because he has “colorful” language, doesn’t mean he can’t kick your ass in school. Remember that.

Some of my favorites:
On Aliens:
“No. Aliens exist, I just don’t think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby’s”

On Lunch:
“No. I want the salad…Live a little? I’m ordering lunch. I don’t have a choice between salad or f**king skydiving.”

On Success as a parent (this is the exact dynamic we face at work each day, who cares if you landed a big account you still f**ked up that newsletter with three typos..)
“A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.”

Why Justin’s dad is an awesome guy = sweat pants.
“Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding’s just one more day in my life I can’t wear sweat pants.”

On Marriage:
“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting… Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”
Some of what I intend to use on my kids:
Stop sucking.
“Put the rake down. I don’t wanna sit around watching you ‘give it your best.’ Either stop sucking or get the f**k out of the way.”

Some of what I’ve already used:
To Joseph who lied about giving his food to the dog.  “A liar is the worst thing you can be…. ok, the worst thing is a Nazi, second, a liar.”  My 4 year old asked what a Nazi is and I said “a worse person than a liar and you don’t want to be either.  End of story.”  Thanks Mr. Halpern.

Some of what’s been used on me:
Mr. Price to me:  “You sure do like to tailgate people… Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time.”

Shit I’ve said as a Mum:
On getting dressed:
Joseph:  “Mommy, we’re taking Tim Tams to the lake!”  Me: “Yay!…You know what we’re not taking?  Naked 3 year-olds, now, for the twentieth time, go and get your skinny little white arse dressed.”

On pooping:
Go take a poop…. not later, now.  It’s your body’s way of saying to take a break, so 10 minutes from now you don’t sh*t your pants and have to miss out on playing with your friends because you had to change your pants.  You think War Machine would have stuck around Ironman if he sh*t his pants? … I don’t think so either.

On pooping #2:
Go take a poop…. not later, now.  Why?  Because you just sat under the table, turned raspberry red in the face and clutched your butt cheeks, I’m pretty sure that’s the universal toddler sign for  “I’ve gotta take a poop and for some reason Id’ rather try it out under the kitchen table first and let my mom figure out that it’s too late via smell…”  Toilet.  NOW.

On showering:
Joseph to me:  “But I didn’t fart..”  Just because you didn’t fart doesn’t mean you don’t need a shower, I don’t have to smell stinky to know that you’re stinky, you’re a boy, it happens naturally after any 6 hour period.  Go take a shower.

Buy the book here at Amazon, or get it at your local half price books.
Follow Sh*t my Dad Says on Twitter here.
Follow Our Cups Runneth Over on twitter here and friend us on Facebook here.

Happy Father’s Day!


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